Crap
Originally posted on November 3, 2005
The problem with caring about the environment is that every now and then it turns around and bites you in the ass.
Massachusetts has some strict regulations when it comes to mixing sewage and water supplies. Apparently some idealistic big-wig in the state house decided it was a bad idea to get poop in your drinking water. Damn tree-hugging hippies. They're all high on the Maryjane.
We don't have the luxury of town-supplied sewers on our street, so when we flush the toilet the shit all ends up in a tank under the front yard. There a bunch of magic elves use nanotechnology to turn the filthy, disgusting, toxic waste into Sandra Boynton products, which are then shipped off to Barnes & Noble where they are sold at reasonable prices to knowledgeable consumers. The byproducts of this process are disbursed into what are known as "leaching fields", where they are fed to the grateful bacteria in the soil, creating the greenest, healthiest looking, freshest smelling grass you've ever seen.
Every third grader knows that this is what we call the "Cycle of Life."
It's an amazing, wondrous process that has absolutely no downside and without this miracle of regeneration the beautiful and healthy planet Earth would have long ago turned into Planet Keith Richards.
Which is why it makes no sense at all that PETA or Greenpeace or Janine Garofolo or whatever organization of long-haired, hemp-wearin', tofu-eatin', Nader-votin', fetus-killin', Jesus-hatin', bike-ridin', gay-marryin', jobless drug addicted BUSYBODIES passed a law that says, just because the town gets its water a short distance from my house, I'm restricted in the amount of Happy-Fun-Water-Cleansing Earth Vitamin I can put in my septic tank.
The Massachusetts Department of Treehugging regulations concerning septic tanks are known as "Title 5." Title 5 can be summed up as follows: Jim is fucked.
We live in what the state considers a "nitrogen sensitive area." Even though anyone who has passed sixth grade science knows that our atmosphere at sea level is made up of 78% nitrogen and therefore nitrogen is Good For You, the liberals who run this state are against nitrogen for some reason. I think it's a partisan thing because I'm pretty sure the GOP is pro-nitrogen.
Yes, you heard me correctly, Massachusetts wants to ban nitrogen. The Democrats hate nitrogen. They won't let me give my excess nitrogen back to the good people of The Commonwealth even though without nitrogen our entire planet would torch up like a great big Apollo One the second someone lit a cigarette.
I guess it makes sense, since they've also banned smoking here.
My current system is only approved for a two bedroom home, which is what we have. Because my lot size is only half an acre I cannot get approval for a larger standard system. The regulations, no matter how hard I look for loopholes, will simply not allow it. We knew this when we bought the house but at the time we were so happy to be able to afford to live in our town that we bought it anyway. Our town is considered "desirable", which is Real Estate code for "no Irish." (note to dear reader: I'm Irish, it's ok)
We can work with that, but ideally we'd want another bedroom. Not because we want another kid, because we don't, but because I've heard Up With People might be touring again and I'd really like to host another large-breasted Swedish girl like the one we hosted when I was in fifth grade, back before I realized large-breasted Swedish girls could do much, much more than decorate a box of hot chocolate.
Oh, Leana, why must you tease me with your too-tight sweater and perky nipples?
There are alternative systems, or as the state calls them "Alternative / Innovative systems" that are approved in Massachusetts. Most of them are basically giant coffee filters with pine tree air fresheners hanging off of them. Yeah, real innovative.
Unfortunately, most of the alternative systems are only approved for Low Flatulence Zones or areas considered to have a high concentration of Ted Kennedys. There are only two types of systems with general approval for nitrogen reduction. There are a few newer systems that can be approved for experimental use if one pulls the right strings and jumps through the right hoops, but I'm not sure I want to be an early adopter when it comes to taking the "poo" out of my poop.
The first type of system, and the one most commonly used, is called a Recirculating Sand Filter. From what I understand it takes your poop and runs it through a pile of sand, thereby rendering it fit for human consumption. The idea that sand could clean poop was first proposed by MIT professor Phinius McArgyle in his groundbreaking paper An Investigation of Felis Silvestris Catus Defecation in Adolescent Recreational Granular Matter Receptacles, or Why Fluffy Craps In Your Kid's Sandbox.
With a recirculating sand filter installed, Title 5 would allow us 550 gallons per day per acre, or 275 GPDPA for our half acre lot. The state estimates the flow rate at 110 gallons per day per bedroom. I'd attempt to make a joke about what sort of monster produces 110 gallons of sewage per day, but I've already used up my allotment of Ted Kennedy jokes.
If my math is correct, a three bedroom home would produce, by the state's estimate, 330 gallons of doody per day, which is more than the 275 allowance the sand filter would give us. Conclusion: Jim is still fucked.
The other alternative is called a RUCK System, which involves burying a gigantic 12'x15' filter, an additional 2000 gallon tank, and a cage of howler monkeys in the front yard next to the current system. With a RUCK the state would allow us 660 gallons per day per acre, divided by two... carry the four... is 330 gallons per day for our lot. So a three bedroom home at 110 gallons per day per bedroom produces a mere 330 gallons per day, which the RUCK system can handle with its eyes closed.
So we could get a RUCK system.
If only the town saw things the way the state did. But no. The town, due to the large number of Dunkin Donuts, thinks that humans produce 75 gallons of sewage per day and that every bedroom houses at least two people. So our three bedroom home would now produce a whopping 450 gallons of poop per day.
Which means the RUCK system isn't enough.
We're fucked.
Had I planned ahead, I could have taken advantage of the fact that "RUCK" rhymes with "fuck" and made a really clever play on words just then. But I didn't plan ahead, so I wasn't able to do that. Were I the planning-ahead type I'd probably be bragging about my sixteen bedroom mansion right now instead of composing inane rants about gallons per day per acre.
It is possible we can go to the town and ask for a variance. After all, a three bedroom house with one of these Mr. Doodys installed would be cleaner than a two bedroom house without one.
In order to get a variance we need to show the Board of Health a working design. In order to get a working design we need to pay an assload (no pun intended) of money to the civil engineers. We don't want to pay an assload of money if our variance won't be approved. Catch-22.
We need to go to the town and say "This will work. Will you promise to give us a variance when we come with the proper paperwork and ask for one?" I'm sure, like every other governmental department would, they will easily understand our conundrum and using their superior logical minds, they will be helpful and friendly and the whole process will be easy and painless and we will have our shiny new three bedroom house with a toilet that turns our poop into Bob Ross paintings. Happy little trees and everything.
The problem with caring about the environment is that every now and then it turns around and bites you in the ass.
Massachusetts has some strict regulations when it comes to mixing sewage and water supplies. Apparently some idealistic big-wig in the state house decided it was a bad idea to get poop in your drinking water. Damn tree-hugging hippies. They're all high on the Maryjane.
We don't have the luxury of town-supplied sewers on our street, so when we flush the toilet the shit all ends up in a tank under the front yard. There a bunch of magic elves use nanotechnology to turn the filthy, disgusting, toxic waste into Sandra Boynton products, which are then shipped off to Barnes & Noble where they are sold at reasonable prices to knowledgeable consumers. The byproducts of this process are disbursed into what are known as "leaching fields", where they are fed to the grateful bacteria in the soil, creating the greenest, healthiest looking, freshest smelling grass you've ever seen.
Every third grader knows that this is what we call the "Cycle of Life."
It's an amazing, wondrous process that has absolutely no downside and without this miracle of regeneration the beautiful and healthy planet Earth would have long ago turned into Planet Keith Richards.
Which is why it makes no sense at all that PETA or Greenpeace or Janine Garofolo or whatever organization of long-haired, hemp-wearin', tofu-eatin', Nader-votin', fetus-killin', Jesus-hatin', bike-ridin', gay-marryin', jobless drug addicted BUSYBODIES passed a law that says, just because the town gets its water a short distance from my house, I'm restricted in the amount of Happy-Fun-Water-Cleansing Earth Vitamin I can put in my septic tank.
The Massachusetts Department of Treehugging regulations concerning septic tanks are known as "Title 5." Title 5 can be summed up as follows: Jim is fucked.
We live in what the state considers a "nitrogen sensitive area." Even though anyone who has passed sixth grade science knows that our atmosphere at sea level is made up of 78% nitrogen and therefore nitrogen is Good For You, the liberals who run this state are against nitrogen for some reason. I think it's a partisan thing because I'm pretty sure the GOP is pro-nitrogen.
Yes, you heard me correctly, Massachusetts wants to ban nitrogen. The Democrats hate nitrogen. They won't let me give my excess nitrogen back to the good people of The Commonwealth even though without nitrogen our entire planet would torch up like a great big Apollo One the second someone lit a cigarette.
I guess it makes sense, since they've also banned smoking here.
My current system is only approved for a two bedroom home, which is what we have. Because my lot size is only half an acre I cannot get approval for a larger standard system. The regulations, no matter how hard I look for loopholes, will simply not allow it. We knew this when we bought the house but at the time we were so happy to be able to afford to live in our town that we bought it anyway. Our town is considered "desirable", which is Real Estate code for "no Irish." (note to dear reader: I'm Irish, it's ok)
We can work with that, but ideally we'd want another bedroom. Not because we want another kid, because we don't, but because I've heard Up With People might be touring again and I'd really like to host another large-breasted Swedish girl like the one we hosted when I was in fifth grade, back before I realized large-breasted Swedish girls could do much, much more than decorate a box of hot chocolate.
Oh, Leana, why must you tease me with your too-tight sweater and perky nipples?
There are alternative systems, or as the state calls them "Alternative / Innovative systems" that are approved in Massachusetts. Most of them are basically giant coffee filters with pine tree air fresheners hanging off of them. Yeah, real innovative.
Unfortunately, most of the alternative systems are only approved for Low Flatulence Zones or areas considered to have a high concentration of Ted Kennedys. There are only two types of systems with general approval for nitrogen reduction. There are a few newer systems that can be approved for experimental use if one pulls the right strings and jumps through the right hoops, but I'm not sure I want to be an early adopter when it comes to taking the "poo" out of my poop.
The first type of system, and the one most commonly used, is called a Recirculating Sand Filter. From what I understand it takes your poop and runs it through a pile of sand, thereby rendering it fit for human consumption. The idea that sand could clean poop was first proposed by MIT professor Phinius McArgyle in his groundbreaking paper An Investigation of Felis Silvestris Catus Defecation in Adolescent Recreational Granular Matter Receptacles, or Why Fluffy Craps In Your Kid's Sandbox.
With a recirculating sand filter installed, Title 5 would allow us 550 gallons per day per acre, or 275 GPDPA for our half acre lot. The state estimates the flow rate at 110 gallons per day per bedroom. I'd attempt to make a joke about what sort of monster produces 110 gallons of sewage per day, but I've already used up my allotment of Ted Kennedy jokes.
If my math is correct, a three bedroom home would produce, by the state's estimate, 330 gallons of doody per day, which is more than the 275 allowance the sand filter would give us. Conclusion: Jim is still fucked.
The other alternative is called a RUCK System, which involves burying a gigantic 12'x15' filter, an additional 2000 gallon tank, and a cage of howler monkeys in the front yard next to the current system. With a RUCK the state would allow us 660 gallons per day per acre, divided by two... carry the four... is 330 gallons per day for our lot. So a three bedroom home at 110 gallons per day per bedroom produces a mere 330 gallons per day, which the RUCK system can handle with its eyes closed.
So we could get a RUCK system.
If only the town saw things the way the state did. But no. The town, due to the large number of Dunkin Donuts, thinks that humans produce 75 gallons of sewage per day and that every bedroom houses at least two people. So our three bedroom home would now produce a whopping 450 gallons of poop per day.
Which means the RUCK system isn't enough.
We're fucked.
Had I planned ahead, I could have taken advantage of the fact that "RUCK" rhymes with "fuck" and made a really clever play on words just then. But I didn't plan ahead, so I wasn't able to do that. Were I the planning-ahead type I'd probably be bragging about my sixteen bedroom mansion right now instead of composing inane rants about gallons per day per acre.
It is possible we can go to the town and ask for a variance. After all, a three bedroom house with one of these Mr. Doodys installed would be cleaner than a two bedroom house without one.
In order to get a variance we need to show the Board of Health a working design. In order to get a working design we need to pay an assload (no pun intended) of money to the civil engineers. We don't want to pay an assload of money if our variance won't be approved. Catch-22.
We need to go to the town and say "This will work. Will you promise to give us a variance when we come with the proper paperwork and ask for one?" I'm sure, like every other governmental department would, they will easily understand our conundrum and using their superior logical minds, they will be helpful and friendly and the whole process will be easy and painless and we will have our shiny new three bedroom house with a toilet that turns our poop into Bob Ross paintings. Happy little trees and everything.
posted by Jim at
9:42 AM
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